When The Watchman Sleeps

My daughter is one month old. During the first four weeks of her life, I’ve become well acquainted with a new operating procedure known as ‘Mommy Mode’. In other words, the inability to go more than sixty seconds without worrying over her welfare. Like clockwork Mommy Mode sends me into a barrage of diagnostic questions every five minutes. Is she hungry? Is her tummy upset? Am I stimulating her too much? Am I not stimulating her enough? Is she breathing? Does she still have ten fingers and ten toes? Why won’t she go to sleep? Is she sleeping too much?

I fear that this MO is going to last quite a while, and by “quite a while” I mean until the day I die.

A few times since she’s been born we’ve left our little love in the very capable hands of her grandparents, kicking Mommy Mode into hyper drive. Driving away from little Carson is heart wrenching. Not because I don’t want a break or trust her caretakers, but because she depends on me for survival. I’m the source of her next meal. I’m the voice that calms her when she’s fussy. I’m her momBut, you see, I’ve tricked myself into thinking that I’m her sole provider. I forget that the Lord watches the city.

watchmansleeps

As I mentioned in her birth story, Psalm 127 has been a sort of anthem for our new family. One verse in particular has been incredibly comforting to me when Mommy Mode spirals out of control.

Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches  the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.
Psalm 127:1

What happens when the watchman is asleep (or running an errand by herself)?

The Lord watches the city.

My husband and I have been ordained by God to be Carson’s parents. We have not, however, been ordained to be God. Our job is to be faithful stewards of this little bundle of joy, but to hold her loosely. The Lord is a better parent to Carson than we could ever be. She is not ‘ours’, even though we would like to trick ourselves into thinking so.

During this process of pregnancy, childbirth, and mothering I’ve been amazed at how many times I’ve had to simply trust that my Father in Heaven truly is sovereign over all things. The truth is that unless the Lord is watching over our household, all our watching is for nothing. May we all continue to lay our concerns and fears at the feet of our Father, who cares for us – and who keeps a weather eye on the horizon for our good and His glory.

What about you? Do you have trouble trusting that the Lord watches the city when you are asleep? Or does it come very naturally? Can you sympathize with ‘Mommy Mode’ hyperdrive? I’d love to hear your story!

5 Comments

  1. Sarah M on February 9, 2014 at 10:18 am

    This is a beautiful post and probably something that you’ll have to go back to over, and over and over again. I know it has been for me. My son is now 6 and a half and for at least half of that last year, he’s been riding on a motorcycle with his dad, to go out for dad dates. This equally terrifies me (the motorcycle part) and excites me (the ‘boy date’). I know it’s so good for him, for them, to experience not only the relationship together, but also the thrill that seems to mostly be male-ness. It’s still uneasy because *it’s out of my control*. There it is.
    Best,
    Sarah M

    • Victoria Wilson on February 9, 2014 at 3:38 pm

      I imagine that this post will be one frequently revisited for my OWN sake! I don’t blame you for being nervous about your little dude riding a motorcycle! That’s totally terrifying. But, as you say, we’re never really in control – even with motorcycles. Thanks much for reading; so glad you resonated with the thoughts.

  2. Shelby on February 9, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    Totally sympathize with Mommy Mode! (I once wrote a similar post, myself, about mom worries). I think it’s the reason my firstborn is such a particular little fellow, but it thankfully has eased up quite a bit. I loved this post though and totally agree. If God has taught me anything through this journey of parenthood, it’s that I’m not in control, and that’s probably a good thing. It’s hard for a self-professed control freak Type A like me to learn these truths, but such a comfort to know that we can sleep (or run errands) and God still stands watch. Great words Victoria!

    • Victoria Wilson on February 9, 2014 at 3:41 pm

      Firstly, I’m tickled to follow YOUR blog! (I feel like I read a post of yours before, but forgot you are a fellow blogger!) Secondly, glad to hear I’m in good company – both with learning to let go and also being a Type-A control freak. Thanks for reading!

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