Talking to my husband can be terrifying because he knows me so intimately, part of that niggly “naked and unashamed” detail of marriage. Hiding is not an option.
He also has an
annoying uncanny ability to put the vulnerable pieces of my Ramblings together.
During our recent date night he quietly listened in typical introverted fashion as I shared my plans and dreams for this blog with him, nodding so I knew he was following along. I must have talked a great deal about my hopes, but also my fears. What if I can’t keep up with the pace I set for myself? What if this little blog doesn’t go anywhere?
Then he carefully responded. “Why are you so afraid of loosing steam?”
Seemingly out of left field (a baseball cliche for you, Ben) at first, that question actually took a line drive to my heart (and another). You see, when I air my plans out in the open, I start to get nervous. Mainly because I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid of losing momentum. I’m afraid my grand ideas won’t be so grand after all. I’m afraid of losing steam. And, dare I say it, losing face at the same time. Ouch.
I realized that I’m great with idea generation, but not so much idea implementation. (For me, the gap between the two is filled with people. If others are on board with my ideas, then I find keeping a steady pace is easier. If I have to do the grunt work without support, then I start to slag.)
Ideas followed by inaction aren’t just scary to me, they’re also annoying. When little bits of my brain are scattered incoherently about, I get antsy. Darts of guilt come flying at every corner, demanding answers. “Did you ever finish that project?” and “Weren’t you going to do something with that idea?”
This post is a cathartic one, I’m afraid. It is simply a confession. I’m not sure what it means that I’m afraid to lose steam. I’m also not sure what it means that people seem to propel me forward. And I certainly don’t know what to make of my pride that gets in the middle of it all. But I trust our community is a safe place to air these insecurities (which is the nice word for ‘fear’, isn’t it?).
As I shared with you all recently, sometimes I just write my way around to figure things out.
Can you relate to this fear of losing steam? What gets you motivated? Any tips for me? I’d love to hear what you have to say in the comments!