Dear little girl,
It’s hard to write this letter to you. So very hard. It’s hard to admit that I already have to apologize to you before we’ve been introduced, but I must.
I have to apologize to you because I’ve been ashamed of your existence.
Today, I ran into an old mentor from my college days. Since we’re 30 weeks along, this woman could clearly tell I was pregnant. After we chatted for a moment, she asked how I’ve been feeling.
“O, I’m feeling fine,” I said. “I’ve been more excited now that the shock wore off! This whole thing,” I pointed to you, “was definitely a surprise.”
At that moment I wish I could have lassoed my words and stuffed them back in my mouth. I was met with the awful realization that I’ve given a similar answer to many people over the past 30 weeks, people who I think have had more successful lives than I. People who I assume believe I’ve been irresponsible to get pregnant so young. To not have planned better.
Sweetheart, I’ve been ashamed of you.
Please forgive your mama. Forgive me for masking how truly, deeply excited I am to have you in my life. For wanting to keep up some appearance of control by dismissing your importance. Baby girl, your daddy and I are so thrilled that you’ve been woven into the fabric of our family. God has done an amazing work and we thank Him and praise Him often for your life. We pray for you daily. We love you dearly.
Unfortunately this first apology is not the last I will have to offer you. Your mom isn’t perfect and I’ll probably get something else wrong along the way. But, my sweet little girl, I feel you tumbling and rolling around in my womb and I hope that means you’ve forgiven me.
It’s so hard to believe that we will see each other face to face in just 10, short weeks. From this day to your wonderful, glorious birthday I’m not going to be ashamed. I’m going to proudly introduce you to others. “Yes, I’m pregnant!” I’ll announce, “And I couldn’t be happier. This is my little girl,” I’ll say, “and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
I love you little girl.
With all of my heart,