Over the past thirty something weeks, my ligaments have stretched and strained to make room for this baby girl inside. The aches and pains have come on quicker, stronger this second merry-go-round. My hips are wider. My legs stouter, ankles rounder. My body literally creaking beneath the weight of growing new life.
And my soul, too, has been stretched.
For a multitude of reasons, this pregnancy has taken a toll on my physical and emotional resources. Five of our dear friends – five of them – have lost their babies over the past few months. My bloodwork has been slightly abnormal, requiring a few extra precautious. Needing more rest this pregnancy, I have felt completely inadequate as a wife, a mom, and a worker.
My focus has been blurry.
My confidence has been shaken.
Fear has been a most unwelcome guest.
My soul groans with the weight of heavy questions.
Is God as good as He says He is?
Does the Lord really have my best interest at heart?
Will I have the strength for labor?
Is the Lord really ever-present? I don’t feel Him.
What if something goes horribly wrong with me or the baby?
How can I be a good mom of two? I fail so miserably at being a mom of one.
But as I wrote this week for Daughter of Delight, “Jesus speaks into my weakness. [He] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me,” (2 Corinthians 12:9, ESV). Christ is only exalted when we rid ourselves of any notion that we have a slight advantage in and of ourselves. The very ability you have to read these words, and I to write them, was granted by the Lord. He is the very Wellspring of life. And because Jesus Christ grants all ability, He gets all the glory. Which is as it should be. And when we acknowledge Christ as our strength, the pressure is off. No longer do we have to muster up enough courage or gumption or can-do. We walk forward knowing that His grace is sufficient, that our weakness makes Christ look all the more radiant as He works through us – because His might is on display and not our own.”
Despite my lingering restlessness, I continue preaching Gospel truth to myself. I keep moving on in faith, knowing that Christ has already gone before. I hope in the unseen, and in the un-felt.
At the end of this stretching pregnancy, I thank God that a sweet baby girl will be waiting. I cannot wait to cuddle Nora in my arms. I pray that this refining fire will have made a more holy mommy. I trust that God knows what He is doing, even if it doesn’t seem like it, and what He is doing is always for my good.