I Didn't Marry My Dream Man
Ben and I celebrated our two year wedding anniversary this week. Which, of course, makes me a bastion of marriage knowledge. Except not.
If I may, I want to candidly share a thought with you that has been brewing in my mind over the past two years. (And I do so with my husband’s full permission and blessing.)
The thought is this: I didn’t marry my dream man.
Like most impressionable girls growing up in the evangelical world, I dipped my toes in the “True Love Waits” movement. I wore a purity ring. I read books with titles like And The Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets To Sexual Purity and I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I lived with eager anticipation that any Christian man I saw might just be ‘The One’. I wrote letters to my future husband (which he still has not read, by the way). I prayed for my future husband. And, of course, I made a meticulous list of what this man should be.
He looked something like this:
- A Christian. (Obviously, had to include that one.)
- Someone taller than me.
- A great sense of humor,
- but with a serious, brooding, Mr. Rochester-esque side.
- Dark hair I can run my fingers through. (?!?!?!?!?)
- Someone who would write poems and songs for me.
- Someone who would chop down firewood for our home. (Because Nicholas Sparks.)
- Preferably, a man with a sexy accent. (A very important qualification.)
- A man who would take me around the world.
You can imagine.
In short, I wanted to marry a unicorn. A serious, brooding unicorn with dark hair I could run my fingers through.
It should be obvious at this point that I didn’t marry my dream man, let alone meet him.
My husband Ben is about my height. He doesn’t have long, dark hair (though his beard is quite epic.) He doesn’t have a sexy accent, unless ‘Southern Ohio’ counts as a sexy accent. He isn’t fond of traveling. He has yet to write me a poem or a song. I’d bet money that he’s never chopped any firewood.
I didn’t marry my dream man, but I married the better man.
My dream man would have wrecked me. And not like the Holy Spirit does. My dream man would have wrecked my life. He would have been everything I wanted, but nothing I needed. He would have led me into self-indulgent temptation. He wouldn’t have pointed me to Christ. I don’t need a man to pander to my foolish whims and desires. I need a man that will care more about my holiness than my happiness.
I need a man like my husband Ben.
He doesn’t write poems, but he does pray with me and for me. Ben doesn’t travel the world with me, but he does plumb the riches of Christ with me.
These past two years God has so kindled a love for Ben that I never knew I would have for another human. My husband is seriously the most godly man I’ve met. He serves me so well. In these two years I’ve cried over him and yelled at him and disregarded him – but still he opens his arms and says, “Come here. I love you.” Ben is my brother. He is my battle buddy. He’s my best friend. He’s actually pretty funny. And he’s hot. So there’s that.
With only two years of marriage down, and a lifetime to go, I’m not sure that I’m qualified to dish out any advice or sage takeaway. I can tell you that your dream man will fail you, but the better man will make you. He will play such an instrumental role in making you the woman God intended for you to be. Know that the best of men are the ones that look like THE Best Man: like Jesus. So if you have a list, even something as small as a vague inkling, of your dream man, I invite you to throw it out. Instead, reflect on the image of Christ. And should you come across a fellow that looks a lot like this Jesus you’ve been gazing at, then maybe he’s the perfect man for you.
A cousin of my husband said this morning that someone who fills all job requirements for a posting is called a “purple squirrel” in the tech recruiting world.
I’m glad that God saw fit to not give you a purple squirrel, but instead gave you a partner who would walk the journey of sanctification with you.
Happy (late) anniversary.
“Purple Squirrel”!?!?!?!?!?!? THAT is amazing.
IKR?!?!?
The one that fills all the ideal qualities, but doesn’t exist 🙂
I love this. And I can definitely relate. The only things Alex has from my list is “musician” and “awesome beard.” lol. Other than that he’s not really what my “dream guy” was supposed to be. But man, I know a good thing when I see it and he is so much more than I could have ever asked for. We married some great men.
<3
I just love this!
My dream man is a part time professional skateboarder and a full time drummer in a punk band. I was supposed to meet him while I worked part time as a shamu trainer at Sea World.
My better man is a landscaper whom I met at a horrible smelling indoor soccer arena. I attended school and lived with my parents and my newborn son. Definitely not how I had envisioned things going.
I am beyond thankful for the detour. God’s plan has unfolded ten times better than my own.
Who wants to marry a rock star anyway?!
I really enjoyed this.
Oh Stefanie that is just the best story, thanks so much for sharing! I love love love how God’s plans are way better than our own. Glad you enjoyed the read!
Love this!!!! I read those same books. And had a list. So grateful that God gave both of us the men we needed instead of the men we dreamed.
Amen, Rachel! Yeah I am not a hard core hater on those books (and others like it) but I totally don’t think they’re helpful. Glad you found your best man, too!
LOVE THIS! Thank you for writing!
Love this! I know I’m much happier and better off being married to my Mike than I would be married to Colin Firth!
I love this post, Victoria! What great insights. I agree with you that single girls shouldn’t get too stuck on their list! I think some girls stay single too long because they won’t let go of their list enough to see who God might have for them.
Callie thanks so much for reading!! I completely agree that girls (and guys!) get stuck on one ‘ideal’ they can miss even better realities that God has planned. That totally was my case, and I’m glad God didn’t let me stay in a silly dreamworld for long!!!
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. Stefan did the same book-cut-out-ring proposal! haha! TOO funny. Guess our guys sure know us book lovers. Okay. Now I’m going to actually go back and read the post!
Sarah M
This was great! I agree. I *thought* I was going to marry my dream man (this one actually existed and we went out on and off for years) but I am so thankful God did not let me pursue that after high school. We would have killed each other. With our bare hands, probably. When I was quite young (and definitely not a Christian) I made a list, too, and I think it’s funny that my husband actually did hit some of those quirky marks. The three he hit?
Plays the trumpet (?)
Curly hair (??)
From another country (???)
I seriously think God has a great sense of humor, and delights in delighting us. I smile every time I think of how perhaps He got a belly laugh out of putting us together, list, odd meet-up, and silly similarities (he’s a catcher, I’m a pitcher, we both grew up on 47th st, etc!) to boot. Just because.
Happy Anniversary!
Sarah M
We do have some amazing guys 🙂
I’ve seen your picture of the ring cutout before. And every time my heart hurts a little for the book. Does yours not do that? I feel bad for it! #reasonsIdidn’treceivearomanticproposal It IS really cool; I would just end up scolding him for defacing a book.
Great post Victoria. As your father, I am truly blessed to call Ben my son-in-law.
Hey, Victoria! You inspired me to write about the fact that I DID marry my dream man… Is this awkward? https://barelyrebellious.wordpress.com/2015/01/26/i-married-my-dream-man/
Love it.
NOT awkward at all! Blogging is all about conversation 🙂 Loved your post!