An Expose On The Post-Pregnancy Body (You're Welcome)

When your Facebook friend posts,

I’m thinking one of my mommy writer friends should write a tell-all/exposé of what pregnancy and child birth really does to woman’s body. Even 4 and half years later my body is still out of whack!

you answer.

This one’s for you Amanda!

First, let’s get the bump in the room out of the way. Congratulations! You just delivered a baby. You rock! Now that’s over, your body is going to bounce back into pre-pregnancy shape quicker than you can say elastic waistband, right? Wrong. You know those size 10 skinny jeans you bought last Spring? Go ahead and give those away. You won’t be needing them anymore. Let’s just suffice it to say that with all the stretching your body just went though, your hips are likely to be a smidge wider set than they were before. (At the time of writing, the ubiquitous ‘thigh gap’ is en vogue. Consider this nature’s thigh gap. Only you may not be able to actually see said gap because of, well, your thighs. Scratch that.)

Speaking of all that stretching, let’s talk about stretch marks. Personally, I haven’t experienced them (Please don’t hate me!!!), but can we all agree to stop calling them stretch marks and start referring to them as tiger stripes? Girl, you’ve earned it.

Another stretch you’ll want to look out for occurs, umm, a bit higher on your anatomy. Such abundance will serve to complete your transformation into a bona fide dairy queen. Though, to be perfectly honest, you might feel a bit more like a leaky milk faucet. While I hope you enjoy the bonding that comes with nursing your baby, let me just say I don’t think it’s possible to fully adjust to your body being so brazenly needed ALL. THE. TIME. You’ll probably want to drop off any sheathed dresses along with the skinny jeans.

Nobody tells you this, but your eyes actually change after you have a baby. About a week following delivery your eyes develop bags deep enough to hold your car keys. Which will actually be useful since about that same time mommy brain sets in and you will begin forgetting your keys, and other sundry items, everywhere – including inside of the refrigerator…not that I’ve done that.

Add hair loss to the list of post-pregnancy body changes, along with skin pigmentation and maybe some back pain.

Just for kicks, go ahead and try a hearty sneeze. You’re welcome. Do some Kegels.

But, actually, the most dramatic post-pregnancy body change happens within. After baby you may discover that the most altered part of yourself is your heart. For starters, you might find that you have more of it. Heart, that is. Becoming a mom is tough stuff. After birthing a baby you’re a bit gutsier than before. You also might find yourself surprisingly emotional, crying at the drop of a P&G commercial. And speaking of emotions, you’re going to be incredibly attached to that little bundle of joy. Her cry will break that heart of yours, but the tiniest giggle will send it soaring.

Our bodies are tattooed with the memories of carrying our  little ones, whether by C-section scar or stitches or stretch marks that just won’t fade. But that’s no reason to be ashamed. It’s a reason for rejoicing. It means that you’ve been chosen to be a mother. It means the Good Lord saw fit to place the next generation in your hands, in your home, and under the watchful care of your heart. So love them, mamas. And, while you’re at it, love your post-pregnancy body, too.