What Happened To That Book I Wrote That One Time

So I wrote a book.

I hustled hard to get it finished.

I self-published it last October.

Then promptly stuffed my thirty chapters.

The reasons for my sudden silence on this project are many. Perhaps the greatest being I got embarrassed. Not sexy to admit, or even fair to my loyal readers, but it’s true. After pulling the trigger, I got a bit gun-shy. My inner critic got loud. Obnoxiously loud. As the holidays rolled around, I quietly neglected my little newborn book baby. (Who neglects a baby!?)

I let the worries of not being good enough reverberate inside my neurotic writer’s head. I’ll spare you the gory details, lest you start to believe my neurosis as well.

To be honest, I got scared. It was easy to play it safe.

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A dear friend recently brought me to the root of my dropping-off-the-radar-ness:

  • I’m afraid of hard work.
  • I’m afraid of indulging.
  • I’m afraid of not following through.
  • I’m afraid of not being good enough.

Told y’all. The inside of my head can be nuttier than a Jiffy jar.

Kaela (the aforementioned friend/Christian counselor/artist therapist/all things amazing) had this to say:

Truthfully I haven’t finished your book. However I think you’re beating yourself up more than you should. Victoria you’re a great writer. It’s just the beginning of a lifelong journey. Yes, you will have to write some difficult pieces along the way to make you better. But you’re good enough. Good enough to have a great following on your blog so far. You want to network more? Treat your writing like a job. Block off time to commit to writing pieces for income or whatever. Sure free write. Sure write another book if you want. Want to write a book on birth? Do it. Be open. Be honest. And believe in yourself and have confidence knowing that God, your Creator and perfectly loving Father, did not just give you this passion and wonderful talent for nothing. He knew your heart before you did. He knows what he is doing with your writing. Have faith for the things to come. And take the giant leap into your writing- abandoning all of the feelings and thoughts that satan has plagued you with and grasping hold to the power and might of your Savior.”

First, let’s stop and honor the fact that Kaela wrote that beautiful rallying cry via text message.

Now you are free to burst into tears as I did.

You guys, I’m just admitting my weakness in hopes that it makes you free to admit your own. Especially if you’re a fellow writer and struggle with similar insecurities as me, let Kaela’s words speak to you.

But you are not allowed to stop.

If you have this talent inside you that’s gasping for air, clawing at the walls, desperate to see the light of day–for Heaven’s sake, set it free.

The difference between making art and wishing you could make art is showing up. Showing up to do the work. Do bad work. Do really bad work, if you must. But do the work. Share your work. (Yeah, even the bad stuff – because I’m going to say your bad stuff isn’t that awful, and even if it is terribly awful how will you know unless it gets a chance to breathe?) Show up. Do the work.

I am incredibly hard on myself. Probably in unhealthy capacities. I hold myself to standards that aren’t fair, or even realistic. My book isn’t the next Hunger Games, and in some ways I wanted it to be. My book is just my book, you know? It’s my first go at a novel, but it’s a start. People bought it. People liked it. And, if I keep doing this show/work/share routine, I’ll produce more work. Better work.

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So I’m sorry, Re’and, for being embarrassed by you. We’ve shared a lot of special memories together and I want to give you more of a shot.

I’m sorry, readers, for not trusting you. I’m so for being afraid. I’m sorry for trying to pull a book out of your hands that you so warmly accepted and appreciated.

All I’m trying to say is that’s what happened to that book I wrote that one time.

And I won’t let it happen again. At least, if you keep walking with me.

12 Comments

  1. Melissa Kaiserman on May 13, 2015 at 6:50 pm

    Oh, Victoria, my soul sister. The very same nutty thoughts and inclinations reach up from the pit of hell and invade my brain, too.

    I love reading your blog. Your words make me laugh, nod my head, and feel things deeply. You are enough because He whose Spirit dwells in you is enough.

    And if you ever write that book about birth and need some anecdotes, you know where to find me. 🙂

    • Victoria Easter Wilson on May 13, 2015 at 7:35 pm

      Melissa I am glad you’re not joking because that’s seriously the next thing on my horizon 🙂 And thank you for those SWEET WORDS! Seriously, I love when something I write makes people nod their heads.

  2. Ellen Russell on May 13, 2015 at 8:22 pm

    If I could like this a thousand times I would! Your fears sounds exactly like mine. I struggled for a long time to even get started with blogging. Good for you to even finish a book! I can’t wait to read it. Keep pressing on 🙂

    • Victoria Easter Wilson on May 13, 2015 at 8:40 pm

      Thank you Ellen! I’m so glad you can relate, the struggle is SO real!!!

  3. Stefanie on May 13, 2015 at 9:33 pm

    Stop it. Seriously.
    I’m not crying because that doesn’t happen often but I did tear up. A lot.
    You basically wrote out all the things in my head from the last few weeks. For a minute, I thought you stole my thoughts.
    I’m envious of your courageous writing. You had the gonads (pardon my language) to write a book and publish it. I can barely talk about my dreams let alone walk them out.
    Thanks for being awesome and stuff.

    • Victoria Easter Wilson on May 14, 2015 at 5:54 pm

      I’m not getting weepy reading your comment. Not at all. Friend, don’t be envious – be in awe of how God takes scared, foolish people and WORKS!!! Just like he can take a frightened you and do great things, because HE IS GREAT!!!

  4. Natasha on May 14, 2015 at 3:47 pm

    Oh friend! I didn’t know that but all of those feelings make sense. Thanks for putting it out there and for believing God in the creativity he’s given you.

  5. Kelly on May 16, 2015 at 3:09 am

    Oh my dear, I’m so glad to hear this part of the story. I had wondered what had happened with the book.

    I can relate to this on so many levels! Thank you for sharing, but no more apologizing!! Get out there and take the world by the… horns. *wink*

  6. Beth Anne on May 19, 2015 at 6:42 am

    Oh Victoria! I wish I could give you a great big hug right now! I’m sifting through our most recent update of Kindle formatting feeling like our book is so amateur, so unprofessional, and why in the world are we making such a big fuss about it? Then, as I’m checking links (for the thousandth time) I check one for your site, and find this.

    I don’t know how the big guys feel, but my guess is they feel just like you and I. Always doubting, always feeling insecure, always fearing putting themselves out there. (It may not appear that way but I feel all those things too!)

    But then you do it, and you learn, and you grow, and you get back up and put yourself out there again. God asks us to “work heartily, as for the Lord, and not for men.” Let’s commit to hearty, passionate work, and trust Him to take care of the rest.

    Thank you for sharing what happened to that book. Are you going to let it shine some more? And I can’t wait to read another book from you!

    And this: We may not be enough – but He is. God is so good to us isn’t He? Whether we fail or we don’t, wow, I look around at my life day-to-day and I am crazy blessed to have the people in it that I do – and a Savior who never quits on me.

    • Victoria Easter Wilson on May 20, 2015 at 1:07 am

      And your comment came at EXACTLY the right time, Beth Anne!! Yes, the ‘big guys’ must have their share of doubts. BUT, they keep going. More than ever, I’m convinced that’s the trick. Moving forward afraid. That’s being brave, you know? Moving forward when you’re uncertain. That’s how we grow. And PRAISE GOD that He doesn’t need us to be awesome!!! Really takes the pressure off 😉

  7. Candace on June 3, 2015 at 1:12 pm

    Bless you for the transparency here. We have a lot of similar issues, but am working on them. It’s good to see that you are as well! I love the cover of the book. This has given me a little boost to keep working on mine. Thanks for being a light.

    • Victoria Easter Wilson on June 3, 2015 at 1:21 pm

      Oh Candace, thank you so much!!! YOUR comment was so encouraging to me! Keep going friend, don’t stop writing 🙂

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