Stop Asking Her When She's Going To Have A Baby

It happened.

A pause in the conversation. A lull in which someone thought it would be a wonderful time to direct her attention toward the newlywed in the group and ask, “So, when do you think you two will be having a baby?”

I could write a book.

That question, “So when are you two going to have a baby?” – or any derivative of it – makes me lose my mind.

It’s not because the question is invasive. (Which it is.) Or that it’s awkward. (Seriously. Totally A w k w a r d.)

It’s just that she doesn’t know.

She can’t know.

And you don’t know emotions that could be associated with such a question.

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What about the woman who has been trying to conceive for months, but is walking through infertility?

Or the woman who just suffered a miscarriage?

Or the couple who’s not sure if they want children yet, or ever?

Or the already-mom who feels completely overwhelmed at the thought of more kids?

Or the woman who is pregnant, but not ready to share?

For the love, people, STOP ASKING WOMEN THIS QUESTION!!!

I realize most folks are making harmless conversation. They don’t really mean anything, but that’s just it. Asking a lady about her reproductive plans is mindless at best, horribly nosy at worst.

Life comes from the Lord. “In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind.” (Job 12:10) To presume we have control over when God chooses to dispense breath is, well, presumptuous. And to casually quip about scheduling babies in conversation just seems…wrong.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t ever talk about new babies, but I am saying it’s a topic that we should let the mom-in-waiting bring up, if she chooses.

Babies are markedly different topics of conversation than, say, home buying or new recipes. Babies are personal. Creating them has tender implications for both a husband and a wife. Don’t pry open their bedroom door.

I’ll put my soapbox away. But, let me suggest a myriad other questions you could ask a woman of childbearing years:

  • Have you read any good books lately?
  • What’s your jam these days?
  • Are you planning a vacation this year?
  • Where do you shop? I love your outfit!
  • Do you like purple unicorns?

Anything other than a very tender question to which she can’t possibly know the answer.

3 Comments

  1. jay on March 25, 2015 at 3:16 pm

    it’s not just rude to ask the wives! As a Husband of almost two years I’m going to put someone in a bodycast the next time i hear someone ask either of us why we don’t have kids yet! it’s a tough thing, okay? calm down. when you see my skinny wife get all middle-heavy, then you’ll know. and don’t think you can hide your nosiness in intentionality! This happens a lot “hey we just want to do life with you guys… so… what are your plans for kids?” allright..I’m done ranting now.

    • Victoria Easter Wilson on March 30, 2015 at 1:07 am

      That is such a great perspective, Jay! I didn’t think about husbands who could get this question, but they totally must! Way to stand up for you and your wife 🙂

  2. Noel on March 25, 2015 at 7:20 pm

    Totally on point! My husband and I are nowhere near considering children and that’s ok. After all, the reason we got married is because God called us to pursue life together, whatever that looks like, not just so that we could make babies.

    I’m with you in thinking people’s intentions are good, they’re just used to the “next steps” of society and don’t know how to approach people who stand outside of those “norms”. We get it all the time with our creative professions as well! Just like every high school senior who’s tired of answering “what are you going to do with the rest of your life?”- as if you can know the answer at 18! God has called each of us to our own unique stories and we would probably all learn a lot more about other’s perspectives if we stopped asking such loaded, pressure-filled questions, and focused more on living the person at hand where they are in that moment.

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