To The Girl Who Waited And Wished She Hadn't, From Me

Dear Girl Who “Waited Until My Wedding Night To Lose My Virginity And I Wish I Hadn’t“,

Firstly, thank you so much for your post in Thought Catalog. True to its name, I’ve been thinking. And I want to thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. We need more of both, especially when discussing intimacy.

I’m not writing the first open-letter response to you, but I want to carry on this important conversation you began in my corner of the blogosphere.

Your words struck a chord with me because I’m all too familiar with the church environment you describe. An environment that speaks loudly about avoiding sex, rather than about the God who created sex. I can remember many youth group lessons preaching the message of “Sex is dirty and dangerous – so save it for the one you love.” Our sex talk went something like, “Here’s a picture of syphilis. Trust us, you do not want to get syphilis. Don’t have sex until you’re married.”

A friend of mine and fellow blogger put it well,

“I think the issue is just as much that sex isn’t truly viewed and taught as being a good thing. It’s viewed as something to be avoided before marriage rather than as a very good thing to anticipate within marriage. I think people do this because it is easier to make rules about what we can’t do than it is to have a heart devoted to God and have our desires and actions spring from that devotion (including the desire for sex within marriage.)”

From someone who also “took the virginity vow”, I want you to know that saving sex for marriage doesn’t have to end in pain and regret. And I want to offer a better reason for enjoying sex within biblical marriage.

To The Girl Who Waited And Wished She Hadn't, From Me

You see friend, we cannot peg our identity – whether it be “chaste virgin” or “modern woman” – on anything other than Jesus Christ. I just finished reading the book of Galatians in which Paul writes, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:28) With Jesus there are no labels. That’s wonderful news because it means our present is not defined, nor our future dictated, by our past.

As followers of Jesus, following His instructions becomes our desire. Jesus says, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” (John 14:15) Because Jesus loves me and saved me from sin and death, I’m very interested in learning what He has planned for my life. Ultimately Jesus wants me to be more like Him. The theological word for this process is sanctification; it means to be set apart, to be made holy. That’s the best life God has for us, a life that looks very much like His Son’s – holy and in perfect union with our Heavenly Father.

One of the ways God planned for us to be holy is to only delight in sex within the boundaries of biblical marriage. “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3) That verse isn’t about “abstaining from sexual immorality” for its own sake, but because it leads to “the will of God”, that is “your sanctification.” A way I can become sanctified is to be intimate with only one man: my husband.

And, yes, God designed sex and intimacy between a husband and wife to be enjoyable. Even, to be a worshipful act. Did you know that you can praise the Lord after having sex? More people should. (For more thoughts on that, I highly recommend John Piper’s book This Momentary Marriage. You can download it free on

I did wait until my wedding night to have sex, but not because of a list of man-centered rules or begrudging obligations. It breaks my heart that many Christians teach works-based salvation, as you describe. That if we wait until our wedding nights to lose our virginity, we will be good Christians. Or if we only wear certain types of clothes, read a certain type of Bible, sing certain types of songs – you get the idea. The only way to be a Christian is to admit your inadequacy to keep God’s law, and to claim Jesus Christ’s life of active obedience in keeping God’s law as your own.

Tragically we can be pressured to save sex for marriage, just as we can be pressured to engage in sex before it.

You close your article by saying, “Unfortunately, I can’t go back but I can give you this message as a culmination of my experiences: If you want to wait to have sex until marriage make sure it’s because you want to. It’s your body; it belongs to you, not your church. Your sexuality is nobody’s business but yours.” Though I appreciate you grant saving sex for marriage can be an individual’s personal decision, I do want to nuance your statement. Our bodies do not belong to a church, but they do belong to God. As I said before, God created our bodies and He created sex. That means God has planned the best way for us to have sex. We need to fall in line with what God says simply because He said it. Thankfully God is good! And His design for sex is for our good. His plans are to prosper, not to harm us. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I’m so glad to read that you have been repairing your sexual relationship with your husband. Obviously, Christians aren’t the only ones who can enjoy sex. I do hope that you’ll come back to the Christian faith, and not a mishandling of the Christian faith that piles on the weight of performance. I hope you’ll come to know Jesus as the one who said, “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)

The beautiful truth of the Gospel is that Jesus wants broken people like you and me. He wants women who waited and wished they hadn’t. He wants women who waited and are glad they did. He wants women who didn’t wait. He wants women who are still waiting. He wants all of us. He wants us crooked sticks to make straight lines. And He wants us to enjoy His lavish gifts – including awesome sex.



  1. Catherine on August 15, 2014 at 5:42 pm

    This is wonderful, Victoria, and a great encouragement to me.

    • Victoria Wilson on August 16, 2014 at 9:53 am

      Thanks Catherine! I’m so glad it was useful. The Gospel is always encouraging. It always applies!

  2. Sarah M on August 15, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    Wow. I love it. In the year of following your blog, I think this is my favorite post I’ve read so far. So many good nuggets in this post. So so many. This is total truth and grace wrapped in an intellectual package. I hadn’t heard of the aforementioned article, but thank you for that loving response.
    Sarah M

    • Victoria Wilson on August 16, 2014 at 9:53 am

      Oh Sarah that means so much! Thank you, friend 🙂 “This is total truth and grace wrapped in an intellectual package.” Praise God! That was my prayer in writing.

  3. eliana on August 15, 2014 at 8:20 pm


  4. Sarah Braswell Baker on August 15, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    Victoria, I have known you for 10 years, and for all 10 of them, you have proven to be such an encouragement, an example of a godly girl, and one who is steadfast in her faith. Thank you for writing this article! I fully agree with your polite yet firm response which clearly advocates what Scripture teaches. Salvation is “by grace, through faith, NOT of works, lest any man should boast,” and we can trust in this wonderful promise! If salvation was of works, heaven would be empty. No man could ever match the greatest “work”done on the cross by our perfect Savior, Jesus Christ! It is finished! Thank you for posting the truth in love. 🙂

    • Victoria Wilson on August 16, 2014 at 9:52 am

      Sarah, God has done a mighty work in my life – as it sounds he’s done in yours! It’s not me, it’s all Jesus. Thanks for reading! I’m glad it was useful.

  5. Candace Vickery on August 16, 2014 at 4:15 am

    Just wanted to say that I greatly appreciate the articulate way you responded to this post. I love that in the end it always comes down to Jesus–will we choose to have a heart after Him or not. Ray and I have been reading a really interesting book recommended to us by Heather Owen Sherman, called “Real Sex” by Lauren Winner. It espouses some of the same sentiments that you have addressed in this post. She also delves into the subject of why our sexuality should be more communal within the church, i.e. when we are vulnerable about our sexuality and view it as a blessing from the Lord then there is more freedom to teach and encourage one another to seek sexuality the way that God has designed.
    Anyway, thank you for your heart.
    P.S. We loved that you “nuanced” one of her statements. Ray said, “Mr. Smith would be proud.”

    • Victoria Wilson on August 16, 2014 at 9:51 am

      Candace thank you so much for that thoughtful comment 🙂 I’ll check into “Real Sex”! I 1000% agree that we (the church) need to do a better job of making the topic of sex accessible in conversation. The church is EXACTLY where we should be having these heartfelt and vulnerable discussions. Thanks again! (And yes…nuance!)

  6. Holly on August 16, 2014 at 9:46 am

    I love the manner in which you addressed her article. I agreed with so many things in the original one and I saw that there was a response and got a bit anxious to read it, wondering if someone was about to bash her openness and transparency. But I really appreciate the way you replied and I can tell your intentions behind it were pure. We need more people like you- open minded and quick to encourage others! Thank you!!

    • Victoria Wilson on August 16, 2014 at 9:55 am

      Thanks so much Holly. I truly did appreciate Samantha’s (the original author) openness. We DESPERATELY need to be more open. Sounds like she came from an all-too familiar church background that handles sex poorly. The more we can talk about these important issues, the more healing can take place.

  7. Angel Wilmoth on August 16, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    I pretty much love all of your blogs, but this is definitely my favorite! I am the one who didn’t wait but wished I had. I didn’t have anything to look forward to on my wedding night. I didn’t even want to have sex. I remember that making me so sad! Sad I had given myself to others. Sad my husband had given himself to others. Sad the excitement was gone. Sad

    • Victoria on August 16, 2014 at 12:25 pm

      Oh wow. That’s such a personal story, Angel. Thank you for sharing. But, be comforted that the Gospel applies to ALL of life. All our decisions – the ones we’re pretty proud we made and the ones we wish we could take back. Our badness isn’t too bad, nor our goodness too good, for God.

    • D on August 22, 2014 at 1:45 pm

      Were you feeling guilt from the sexual past of yourself and your husband? I didn’t loose my virginity on a wedding night scene either, but I wouldn’t feel sad about the past like that. Receive the Love of God and know He forgives YOU!!! Stop seeing yourself through the eyes of the past and/or the eyes of others OPINIONS!!!

  8. Margaret on August 16, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    Thank you for this! I saw the article and was very saddened by it. I’m so lad you wrote a response because she has the gospel all wrong. Christianity is not legalistic, but forgiving and loving.

  9. When Your Blog Blows Up on August 17, 2014 at 11:16 am

    […] This post resonated with more people than I ever imagined. […]

  10. Kristel on August 18, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    Great words, Victoria! Very well-written.

  11. D on August 22, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    I agree that sex should be talked about freely amongst like minded Christians. I read her original post and then found this post when searching online. It’s a shame that we live in a society where women bear shame for sexuality and men don’t. I’m talking about normal circumstances where no sexual abuse has happened. I grew up in the same denomination as her and know what she means about gossip spreading; I’m not saying all of these churches are this way yet I have witnessed it before for real. Sex in marriage should be something fun that is able to be looked forward to continually; if God created it, it is a good thing when used within the context [marriage] that He ordained it for.

    • Victoria Wilson on August 22, 2014 at 3:22 pm

      Hey D, thanks so much for taking the time to comment! I completely agree with you. It’s tragic what sin does to beautiful creations like sex.

  12. Alexa Dominique on September 1, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    First, I want to thank you for allowing the Lord to use you!! This article is absolutely beautiful.

    Second, I want to tell you that I feel so encouraged. In this crooked, messed up world we live in, I always feel encouraged to hear and read about others who are still standing for the Truth. The internet can be just as scary as the real world (who would have known?)

    I love how you brought up the fact that our identity should be found in Christ. It’s way too easy to forget who we belong to. Our lives are going to seem so purposeless until we realize that we were created for a wonderful purpose: to bring glory to God!

    Thank you so much for sharing!

    A Girl Who’s Still Waiting

    • Victoria Wilson on September 3, 2014 at 12:34 pm

      Hey Alexa! Wow. Thank you so much for finding and reading this little post! I’m so glad it encouraged you. That was my prayer. If I could encourage you more: always, always, always look to Jesus. I’ve heard it said for every look we take at ourselves, take 10 looks at Christ. May God bless you in the waiting time 🙂

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